Day Four Post-op

I had my second “I want to die” moment this morning.  The first one was in the hospital when I was in a lot of pain after the nurse recommended I not take my Dilaudid.  I’m not really sure why I was so down this morning.  It was such a terrible feeling.  I woke up feeling nauseous, which happens every morning.  I take a sip of water and I’m fine.  I just felt incredibly down and I can’t explain it.

I got up and took my multivitamin and my medication.  My husband gave me a foot massage and that helped a bit.  Then my big dog Rex came and spooned me in bed.  I put my arm around him.  I immediately felt better.  It was like the warmth coming off of him was healing waves of happiness.  I can’t describe how that makes sense either.  I hugged Rex and took a little nap, now I’m fine.

My husband took me out to get a decaf latte from Second Cup to help cheer me up.  I’m sipping on it and it’s going down well.  It’s nice and warm.

Since my shakes and water were going down so well two days ago, I decided to try to graduate to the pureed food stage yesterday.  Breakfast worked out well.  In a 1/4cup bowl that I have, I put 1tbsp baby cereal with 1/2 scoop of plain protein powder and mixed all that with water to fill the 1/4 cup.  That went down nice.  I just had a protein shake for lunch.  Dinner didn’t go down so well.  I prepared some cream of mushroom soup with skim milk and added a can of chick peas for protein.  I blended that in my Ninja food processor.  Then I put a 1/2 scoop of plain protein powder into another 1/4 cup bowl and filled the rest with soup.  My stomach felt just terrible after that.  All night, it felt like the soup was just sticking to my insides and I swear I could taste it in my mouth.

I’m totally turned off of pureed food right now.  I’m going back to pure liquids.  I’m not supposed to start pureed food until next Tuesday anyways, even though the hospital book said I could start early if I wanted to.  After last night’s soup, I’m completely turned off.  Protein shakes and water it is for me right now.

Maybe (big maybe) I’ll try some baby food fruit and veg puree for fun later, but that’s it.

For me, this surgery has turned out to be a huge mind-fuck.  Nothing feels the same anymore.  I know it’s just my stomach that’s changed, but I feel like everything’s changed and nothing is going to be “normal” anymore.  I’m thinking that’s good, because my “normal” was terrible, but I just wish I could go back to a feeling of normalcy again.  Of familiarity.  Everything feels so foreign right now and I don’t like this feeling at all.

I heard stories from nurses in the hospital and on forums that some people are up eating pizza day two of surgery or ice cream.  I heard one story of a lady to ate a hard-shell taco, ripped her pouch, and had to have it surgically repaired.  I don’t understand these stories at all.  Did we even get the same roux en y surgery?  My huger is gone.  It feels like something died inside of me.  My hunger was like an autistic toddler pulling at mommy’s (my) hair all day repeating MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY and then starting to scream and throw tantrums until I started to want to murder the toddler.  It’s like they killed the toddler.  I’m fucking happy it’s dead, but it just FEELS dead inside of me.  That I can’t really explain accurately either.

I assume because I’ve lived with the “toddler” my whole life, I’m upset that it’s dead, because that was my “normal”.  Now this is unfamiliar and uncomfortable mentally.

The thought of eating anything solid and “delicious” i.e. pizza, hot dogs, brownies….I just want to hurl.  My husband bought a “hello dollie” (a white brownie) at Second Cup and I felt sad when I saw it, because I knew I couldn’t have it.  Then as he was eating it, I realized that pre-liquid diet, I would have eaten one too.  And it would have made me miserable, because it would have made me put on weight and wreak all sorts of havoc on my blood sugar.  Then I realized — I’m free.  I’m truly free.  I don’t need to eat that thing.  The toddler is not screaming in my fucking ear.  I can do whatever the fuck I want now.  The toddler doesn’t rule my life anymore.  I really hope it stays dead forever.  I truly do.

I apologize for all the ‘f’ words, but I’m not creative enough to come up with proper English words to express my feelings.

I’ve been logging my food on myfitnesspal.com and I’m averaging about 400-500 calories per day.  Terrifying.  I’m so exhausted.

I took a 20 minute walk yesterday morning, then a half hour walk later in the evening.  I had to go very slow and stand to take breaks a few times, as there were no benches.  I was beyond tired.  Tired to me is a natural feeling of, “ok, I’m done, we’re good”.  I’ve gone way past that feeling to a whole new dimension of “is this reality right now?” tired.  I don’t even know how standing is possible right now, let alone how I put one foot in front of the other to walk without falling on my face.  I’m going to try for another walk today after I get my first protein shake down.

Now, I’m going to continue to sip this wonderful latte, get down that protein shake, get down some water, and enjoy my freedom.