5k Walks

I haven’t written in a long while.  Things have been going really well.  I’m down 47lbs since the pre-op liquid diet.  My energy is good most days, but I do have bad days.  I have days where I feel completely run-down and everything makes me nauseous.  Then I have days like today where I feel really good and all my food is going down well, even things that made me sick a few days ago.

My go-to foods for when I’m having a crappy day are: chicken breast, lactose-free milk and yogurt, and berries.  My “normal” days include more canned fish and beans, a decaf latte, and some light cheeses.  Maybe a canned soup here and there.  I really need to get back into cooking to add some variety.  I am planning on making a pumpkin black bean soup tonight for my lunches.  Dinner this week will be chicken marinated in BBQ sauce.  Breakfast will probably be a smoothie made from lactose free skim milk, yogurt, and berries.  I can’t tolerate whey powder or premier protein shakes anymore, unfortunately, so there goes a huge easy protein boost.

I called the hospital and they told me I’m not eating enough healthy starches.  I’m not getting ANY starches at all, actually.  All they want me to add is a few crackers to lunch and for dinner, 1/3 of a potato or sweet potato.  So nothing major.  I’m going to have a follow-up call in a few days to check in to see if adding those bits of starches works.

Yesterday, I did a 5k walk for Kids Help Phone.  Last Sunday I did a 5k walk for Multiple Sclerosis.  Yesterday’s walk was nothing like the MS walk.  Yesterday, everyone seemed to be booking their ass and speed-walking the whole thing.  At the MS walk, everyone seemed to relax, take their time, and enjoy their walk.  I guess speed-walking is fine, but I kind of had the impression that everyone just wanted to do it quickly and leave.  I felt that it seemed to take the magic from the moment a bit, unfortunately.   It was a lovely walk, though.  My mother and brother showed up.  A friend from my husband’s work showed up.  It was a nice walk all around a park by a river.  There was one section where we walked around a little pond with geese and ducks.  Unfortunately, it started raining, but I didn’t mind.  I really don’t mind walking in the rain.  It was warm enough for the rain to feel refreshing.

This coming Sunday, I plan on attending a bicycle-fest.  I don’t know much about it yet, so I will post about it later.

I wanted to share an article that I found very insightful and helpful.  Even though I have just had surgery, I found it motivational to keep my head in the game and keep practicing healthy habits.

I should also mention that I am walking my dogs for an hour 5 days a week, going to the gym for 20 minute walks twice a week, and doing 20 minutes of weight lifting 3 times a week.  Saturdays are my rest day where I try to do as little as possible.  I do a bit of cleaning here and there, but I mostly sit or nap.

 

Day Four Post-op

I had my second “I want to die” moment this morning.  The first one was in the hospital when I was in a lot of pain after the nurse recommended I not take my Dilaudid.  I’m not really sure why I was so down this morning.  It was such a terrible feeling.  I woke up feeling nauseous, which happens every morning.  I take a sip of water and I’m fine.  I just felt incredibly down and I can’t explain it.

I got up and took my multivitamin and my medication.  My husband gave me a foot massage and that helped a bit.  Then my big dog Rex came and spooned me in bed.  I put my arm around him.  I immediately felt better.  It was like the warmth coming off of him was healing waves of happiness.  I can’t describe how that makes sense either.  I hugged Rex and took a little nap, now I’m fine.

My husband took me out to get a decaf latte from Second Cup to help cheer me up.  I’m sipping on it and it’s going down well.  It’s nice and warm.

Since my shakes and water were going down so well two days ago, I decided to try to graduate to the pureed food stage yesterday.  Breakfast worked out well.  In a 1/4cup bowl that I have, I put 1tbsp baby cereal with 1/2 scoop of plain protein powder and mixed all that with water to fill the 1/4 cup.  That went down nice.  I just had a protein shake for lunch.  Dinner didn’t go down so well.  I prepared some cream of mushroom soup with skim milk and added a can of chick peas for protein.  I blended that in my Ninja food processor.  Then I put a 1/2 scoop of plain protein powder into another 1/4 cup bowl and filled the rest with soup.  My stomach felt just terrible after that.  All night, it felt like the soup was just sticking to my insides and I swear I could taste it in my mouth.

I’m totally turned off of pureed food right now.  I’m going back to pure liquids.  I’m not supposed to start pureed food until next Tuesday anyways, even though the hospital book said I could start early if I wanted to.  After last night’s soup, I’m completely turned off.  Protein shakes and water it is for me right now.

Maybe (big maybe) I’ll try some baby food fruit and veg puree for fun later, but that’s it.

For me, this surgery has turned out to be a huge mind-fuck.  Nothing feels the same anymore.  I know it’s just my stomach that’s changed, but I feel like everything’s changed and nothing is going to be “normal” anymore.  I’m thinking that’s good, because my “normal” was terrible, but I just wish I could go back to a feeling of normalcy again.  Of familiarity.  Everything feels so foreign right now and I don’t like this feeling at all.

I heard stories from nurses in the hospital and on forums that some people are up eating pizza day two of surgery or ice cream.  I heard one story of a lady to ate a hard-shell taco, ripped her pouch, and had to have it surgically repaired.  I don’t understand these stories at all.  Did we even get the same roux en y surgery?  My huger is gone.  It feels like something died inside of me.  My hunger was like an autistic toddler pulling at mommy’s (my) hair all day repeating MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY and then starting to scream and throw tantrums until I started to want to murder the toddler.  It’s like they killed the toddler.  I’m fucking happy it’s dead, but it just FEELS dead inside of me.  That I can’t really explain accurately either.

I assume because I’ve lived with the “toddler” my whole life, I’m upset that it’s dead, because that was my “normal”.  Now this is unfamiliar and uncomfortable mentally.

The thought of eating anything solid and “delicious” i.e. pizza, hot dogs, brownies….I just want to hurl.  My husband bought a “hello dollie” (a white brownie) at Second Cup and I felt sad when I saw it, because I knew I couldn’t have it.  Then as he was eating it, I realized that pre-liquid diet, I would have eaten one too.  And it would have made me miserable, because it would have made me put on weight and wreak all sorts of havoc on my blood sugar.  Then I realized — I’m free.  I’m truly free.  I don’t need to eat that thing.  The toddler is not screaming in my fucking ear.  I can do whatever the fuck I want now.  The toddler doesn’t rule my life anymore.  I really hope it stays dead forever.  I truly do.

I apologize for all the ‘f’ words, but I’m not creative enough to come up with proper English words to express my feelings.

I’ve been logging my food on myfitnesspal.com and I’m averaging about 400-500 calories per day.  Terrifying.  I’m so exhausted.

I took a 20 minute walk yesterday morning, then a half hour walk later in the evening.  I had to go very slow and stand to take breaks a few times, as there were no benches.  I was beyond tired.  Tired to me is a natural feeling of, “ok, I’m done, we’re good”.  I’ve gone way past that feeling to a whole new dimension of “is this reality right now?” tired.  I don’t even know how standing is possible right now, let alone how I put one foot in front of the other to walk without falling on my face.  I’m going to try for another walk today after I get my first protein shake down.

Now, I’m going to continue to sip this wonderful latte, get down that protein shake, get down some water, and enjoy my freedom.

Pre-op Appointment

I had my pre-op appointment at the hospital today.  I was given two booklets.  One with information about what to bring to the hospital, how to get to the operating room, and when vistors can visit.  The other was a pain management book about different types of pain medications and how to use them.  Someone took down the medications I’m on.  I signed up to be assigned a room post surgery.

Then a nurse came in and told me not to take my Abilify the day of surgery, but I could take everything else.  I have to take my last shake before midnight the day of surgery (no food after midnight).  I have to drink water before surgery up to two hours before I arrive.

I’m supposed to get a call the afternoon before surgery (Monday afternoon) to give me further instructions and notify of exactly what time my surgery will be and exactly what time I should show up.

On the cooking front, I made eggplant with ground beef last night.  The eggplant slices go in a baking dish.  On top of that goes the ground beef mixed with tomatoes, onions, cinnamon, salt, and pepper.  That baked for awhile, then I put cheese on top and broiled for 2 minutes.  My husband hasn’t tried it yet, so I don’t know how that turned out.

I made him deviled eggs for breakfast.  They were hard-boiled eggs, sliced in half.  The yolks were extracted and mixed with mayonnaise and dijon mustard.  The grocery store had no chives, unfortunately.  I put the yolks back in the eggs and sprinkled them with hot paprika.  My husband likes things spicy.  He said they where “ok”.  Again, another win for a healthy breakfast.

My husband ate my stew for lunch yesterday, but said he got hungry and went out to get something to eat later in the day.  I took him to the grocery store yesterday to buy some healthy snacks so he won’t have to do that again.

The best news of all: I’ve lost 5lbs since last week.  I’m now 327.

Junk-Free Weekend

Yesterday I cooked a beef-tomato stew with leeks.  The hubby ate it and brought some for work today.  I made him 3 eggs and a slice of toast for breakfast.  He made it through the whole weekend with no McD’s and no pizza, which hasn’t happened in a long time.  Things are really looking up.  Today, he ate the breakfast I made for him, he’s having the stew for lunch, and I am making meat sauce over eggplant tonight for dinner.  Tomorrow morning, I am making him deviled eggs for breakfast.  Our freezer is full of single-serving-size tupperwares of stew for him to thaw and bring for lunch this week.  It’s been a four-day no-takeout streak for him, soon to be fourth if he eats just what I make him tomorrow.  I am so hopeful that this will continue and we will remain strong for each other.  Me to help him eat better, and him to help me through any difficulties I have post-op.

Zoodles

I decided today that I will start practicing cooking some post-op recipes, since I can now tolerate being around food.  I decided I will cook things that my husband will eat, so that it won’t go to waste afterward.  I made Shrimp on Zoodles.  I confess I tried a zoodle.  Omggggg hot damn.  If I’d have known zucchini noodles were THAT good, I would have forgone pasta for them forever ago.  So that recipe passes the test.  I’m really looking forward to eating it when I’m back to solid food.  Maybe I’ll even make it and blend it for the pureed food stage =D

My husband was very “meh” about the recipe.  But this is a guy that eats burgers and pizza all the time and practically never eats vegetables, so I consider it a win that he ate a healthy dinner tonight.