I haven’t posted in awhile. Things have been going extremely well. There wasn’t anything really interesting to post about. I eat what I should, I drink what I should, and I exercise. Kind of boring to post about.
Just to forewarn everyone, this post gets very dark and angry. There’s lots of ‘f’ words. If you’re looking for something enlightening and positive, do not look below. This is a vent post.
Today, I decided to post, because I woke up with a huge realization. I woke up looking forward to the day. I have no dread, no anxiety, and no depression for the first time since I was 6 years old. The reasons for my mental anguish at a young age were due to family problems. After I hit 10 years old, hunger was added to that and became the sole focus of my life from there-on out. I had to get good grades to escape poverty, do well in college, and land a stable job so that I could finally relax without having to worry about the very real possibility of being homeless. Throughout that struggle was the ever-present physical hunger.
Ever since I was born, I have been hungry. My mother struggled to feed me as a child. Breast milk was not enough. I was always hungry. The doctors requested that my mother add calories to her breast milk to satiate me. It worked. I had no weight issues as a child.
When I progressed to solid food, my mother grew exhausted with the constant need to feed me. Her life was scheduled around my hunger fits. I would grow so hungry that I would shake in my high chair and nearly topple it over.
I didn’t have to worry about my hunger as a young child. My mother was always there to make sure I was fed. I had no weight issues.
When I turned 10 years old, things changed. My mother and father separated. My mother had to take on extra work hours to make ends meet, as my father did not pay child support. She was never home. I was lucky if I saw my mother for one hour a day. Extra lucky if I could see her for more than four hours on a weekend. I had to fend for myself. Our food came from cans and boxes from the food bank. I ate baked beans, zoodles, cans of soup, and corn flakes. No high-quality proteins or fresh fruit and vegetables. I put on weight. Fast. I remember weighing myself at 13 years old. I went from 115lbs to 150lbs in a little under a year. It was not long until I reached my heighest weight of 240lbs at the age of 16.
I was constantly ridiculed by thin children from families who could afford to feed them properly. My sister was as well. She went on to develop anorexia, then bulimia at the age of 14.
My mother struggled to keep food in the house. When she could afford to buy groceries, she began cooking lean meats, vegetables, and tofu for our dinners. My sister and I ate so much, most of my mother’s money went to food. With that good food was rice. We ate way too much rice. No one in our family knew that was a bad thing. Who was there to tell us? This was an age with no internet and no nutritional education for children or adults.
The only difference between my thin sister and I was that my sister purged all of her food, whereas I kept all of mine in. I couldn’t bring myself to purge. I didn’t want to damage my esophagus or teeth. I thought being fat was the lesser of two evils. The other option was to go hungry constantly, which was a reality I could not bring myself to face at 10 years old or ever. At school, I paid for that choice dearly. Constant ridicule and complete ostracization. I had no friends for three years because of my choice. My sister, however, was popular among everyone, because she was thin and beautiful. Everyone wanted to be like my sister. And so they were. Bulimia and anorexia were the ruling lifestyles of each popular girl in the area of the city we lived in at the time. If you did not participate, you were shunned. I still see evidence of this 20 years later, as I have moved back to that area and bought my home here.
At the age of 16, I began a modified version of the Atkins diet under medical supervision. My mother finally went to a doctor to ask for help for my obesity. This was the answer I was given that did not cost my mother money. It worked very well. I lost 70 lbs and was down to a healthy 150lbs for about 4 years. I was free of the hunger for those 4 years. The rest of the story is in my first blog post.
As an adult, my life revolved around satiating my hunger. I was not free to enjoy sports, social activities, or hobbies for very long, as hunger would always come up and demand attention. When I say hunger, it’s not a “hey, you should eat something” kind of hunger. I mean hunger as an all-consuming, completely emotionally distressing, all-encompassing feeling. If I let the hunger go, I would get dizzy and increasingly emotional. I would begin yelling at people for no reason. I would be constantly angry and distressed. I would be unable to focus on anything, as if I had severe ADHD. I couldn’t even hold a conversation, because my mind would keep wandering to the nearest source of food. To keep life normal, I ate. To be able to function at work and make a living, I ate. When I finally reached a stable point in my career and put my foot down against the hunger, my career suffered. I could not concentrate at work and perform as I had before. I have held the same job for the last 7 years, unable to advance, despite having opportunities to do so. I cannot meet that level of performance with the distraction of constant hunger. I refused to give in to my hunger any longer. At 337lbs, I felt I had no choice.
I woke up this morning realizing that I have been living unimpeded by hunger for the last 3 weeks. I have been enjoying hobbies, social events, exercise, my pets, and time with my family completely free of interruption by hunger. I eat when I need to eat. It is a brief event. If I want to cook a healthy meal for some variety, I will do so. Otherwise, I have a quick protein shake, some yogurt, or some soup. If I go to a social event, I don’t have to freak out that I don’t have 20g of protein handy or that I have to find that 20g or I won’t be able to enjoy myself and might snap at someone accidentally, embarrassing myself. I can enjoy the event and eat either before or after and not worry about a damned thing. I can’t properly convey how wonderful it is to sit in a room with people, just look at their faces and converse with them. To focus on nothing else but the conversation or the activity we are doing. To fully immerse myself socially and mentally in the moment. It’s indescribable. It brings me to tears thinking of how long I’ve lived my life without being able to enjoy this one simple thing.
Then I become angry. Why was I hungry for so long? Why did I have to suffer this long? Why would no doctor ever have an answer for me when I told them I couldn’t take this hunger any longer? Because they don’t have an answer. Because there is no research into hunger. Because nobody feels this is a real problem. We have an obesity epidemic in the western world and nobody gives a flying fuck. Everyone wants these obese people to just fix themselves and not lend a fucking helping hand. Because fat people are “lazy” and “disgusting”. Well I’m sorry. A newborn baby crying for food isn’t lazy or disgusting. A two year old shaking from hunger isn’t lazy or disgusting. That baby has a fucking problem. That baby grew up to suffer immensely. And nobody gave a flying fuck, because nobody cared to learn why obesity is a problem and fat people “should just kill themselves”.
Well I tried. It didn’t work. I had people who actually cared about me who wouldn’t let me go through with it and got me help. I managed to accept life with the hunger and accept that I would die because of it. I accepted that I would die by putting food in my mouth rather than put a knife to my wrist. Apparently the first is acceptable, and the second is illegal.
Apparently I have to exceed 300lbs to qualify for the only medical option in this world that gets rid of hunger.
I understand why. I understand that Roux en Y takes off a significant amount of weight, so you kind of “need” it to undergo the procedure. But why is this the only option? We have so many advances in the medical world and so much research being done, but obesity is fucking ignored and shunned. Few people even talk about it at an educated an intellectual level. I find that disgusting.